Take a look around you sir, this world is positively littered with beautiful, intelligent
potential partners just waiting for chance to bump them into a man of Swagger,
that is to say, you. Introducing yourself and breaking the ice are likely the biggest
hurdles between you and some fresh female accompaniment, so Swagger is taking
the liberty of breaking down the pros and cons of the top ice-breaking accessories to
draw ladies into your sphere of influence. Use responsibly.
A Dog
There’s no shortage of dogs in this world, and the odds are pretty good that if you
don’t have one already, somebody you know does, so getting one to walk with you
shouldn’t ever be a problem. The dog you want will be comfortable with you, and
either adorable or interesting enough to garner the right sort of attention. A classic
golden retriever or Lab works best, but a rule of thumb is the cuddlier, the better.
You don’t want a yappy little mutt that makes you look like a tit and you don’t want
an attack dog for what I hope are obvious reasons.
The Pros
Man’s best friend is an automatic icebreaker, and a good dog will convey to
everyone who’ll listen that the fella at the other end of the leash is a mench of the
first order. Having a dog means a:) you possess the basic skills needed to keep
something besides yourself alive and b:) you are laid back, loving, patient and all
those other unearned qualities dogs ownership infers upon you.
The Cons
Dogs can relieve themselves at the most inopportune times in the most inopportune
places, they can go bananas over something as simple as a squirrel or a bicycle, and
they can be as amorous with the girl of your fancy as you’d like to be.
A Book
Free with any library card, portable, and likely to make you a little bit smarter after
you’ve read it, you can read a book everywhere that’s not reading, and some of them
are actually entertaining. Tailor your ice-breaker to your particular situation and
spend some time actually thinking about the book so you’ll have something to say
about it besides “it’s a book alright”.
The Pros
This is a generalization I’m not afraid to make, the women who are going to
approach you about the book you’re reading are a better breed then those who
won’t, so not only does the book invite conversations, it invites higher quality
conversations with higher quality women. You appear worldly, educated and able
to hold your end of a good conversation before you’ve even opened your mouth to
say “No, this seat’s free, help yourself.”
The Cons
You gotta watch it, you might either look too engrossed in your little paperback
to be “disturbed” or too goddamn pretentious to be bothered with. So don’t be
obvious, or constantly adjusting your seat so people passing by are sure to read
what super-important work you’re reading. Don’t be that guy.
A Baby
They can be borrowed from any sister, brother, or trusting friend who wants half
an hour to sleep without fear of neglecting their delicate offspring. Using this Ice
Breaker actually doubles as doing someone a favor, and you can be completely
honest about your intentions provided they trust you to return the baby in the
shape you found it in.
The Pro
This is the nuclear option: Even in this age of feminine empowerment, a man
without a wedding band pushing a child in a stroller through a park who doesn’t
look exhausted and spiteful is a strange and powerful magnet for uteruses
worldwide. They can sense your approach, and have automatically pegged you as
proud and saintly uncle worthy of their attention. They gush,
The Con
Children are wont to fuss, and capable of creating smells and noises that would
scare off even the most resolute exorcist. A grumpy, stinky kid can turn away even
the most interested of females, and even the most tranquil of babies can turn on a
dime (That said, the short intervals away from their parents is usually the time a
baby uses to recharge the batteries, so you’re probably good).
Written by: Jeremy P Beal
