There was a time when a man of substance would regard hatefucking a cheese
grater as a more dignified alternative to looking for a date online, but those days
have come and gone. You can’t fight progress, and as a man who pines for the
days of the Rat Pack it pains me to admit it, but online dating is a legitimate, ok
thing to do. Last year 14% of American marriages got their start thanks to online
dating. That is insanely significant and even if it wasn’t, there are some 40 million
Americans who’ve at least dabbled in the online dating game. It’s fair to say that the
phenomenon is ubiquitous.
I’m not going to pretend to be able to comprehend the science behind their
algorithms on the “find your match” sites, but I know anecdotally that the good ones
are creepy accurate when it comes to linking you up with appropriate mates, and
a quick web search will show you all kinds of stories where they actually hooked
people up with their exes. The point is, internet dating is a legitimate thing, but
just like meeting women in the real world, there’s a smart way to go about it, and
wouldn’t you know it, Swagger’s the kind of Men’s Magazine that’ll go the extra mile
to walk you through it.
Set your Profile
As with everything else in life, honesty is the best policy and easiest to stick
with, you should have a go at the profile questions and answer the ones you’re
going to expect her to answer, but the trick is succinct. You’re not writing your
autobiography, but it’ll make things so much easier later if you’re straight forward
with the “Children” “Drinking” and “Religion” questions. It saves you time when she
finds out some deal breaker of her own that you could have cleared up beforehand.
Do it.
Set your Picture
You’re going to exclude about two thirds of the profiles you look through based on
the picture, so don’t kid yourself that she won’t do the same. There are so many
pictures out there that make ordinary guys and gals look like complete mutants.
I’m not sure if it’s just the exhaustion of answering the questions or a weird “don’t
put my best foot forward” impulse, but man oh man they get weird. Having a good
one puts you ahead of the game, so make it reasonably conservative, happy, and if
you must, pick one with you doing something you’re passionate about (the caveat
is don’t be “in your face” about it either, we’re looking at you, drummers). Don’t do
anything overly “quirky” like Halloween shots, it’s a meat market, she wants to make
sure you don’t have face tattoos, not realized what a creative soul you are. Avoid
“professional” looking headshots too, they’re creepy.
Choose Wisely
The first thing you have to know is that if a gal doesn’t want to tell you whether
or not she has kids, she likely has kids. The second thing is that pictures are
unrepentant liars, and if you’re on the fence about the personality you’ve been
chatting with, don’t let the pics sway you to take a chance. There are literally
millions of pretty girls on the internet, but all the ugly, old and manic ones are there
too. Also, “casual drinker” means “straight up drinker” until proven otherwise.
The Date
You’ll IM or email a few times, you’ll decide on a place, and you’ll eventually meet in
the flesh. Now under different circumstances, it would be considered cowardly to
hatch an escape plan beforehand, but the internet age has changed the game in more
ways than one, and there’s plenty of minefields out there waiting to explode. Meet
in a neutral, public place in which you can pull the plug in case of emergency, but
remember to give it a good try, the internet age is upon us, but that doesn’t mean
doing things this way is intuitive for either of the sexes, and sometimes an awkward
start ends up finishing very nicely. Last of all, remember to pay for the date no
matter how it’s going, you’re not some gentrified internet patsy, you’re a man of
Swagger.
