The men of Swagger have to tip our hats to the boozy pioneers at G-Spirits who, for
breaking the mold and going where no alcohol brand has gone before. For about a
buck-fifty a pop, they diligently run their fine vodka, rum and whiskey across a pair
of model-grade tatas before bottling and shipping it to a liquor store near you. You
can even enjoy a picture of the model who generously donated her breasts to the
cause on the label of your bottle, and drink well knowing that even if you strike out
tonight, your taste buds are getting to second base regardless.
In that same spirit of alcoholic innovation, Swagger has dreamt up a wish-list of 5
Babe-infused liqueurs we’d like to see on the market. We’re always thinking about
naked women when we’re drinking anyway, we might as well taste them too.
All Patents Pending…
Taylor Swift Strawberry Wine
America’s country-singing sweetheart promises to swim around in vats of cheap,
sweet vino wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a snorkel and a smile. It doesn’t
actually taste any good, it’s embarrassing when you’re friends catch you drinking it,
but, if for only for a minute, you can imagine you’re the guy out there that will finally
mend her perpetually broken heart… after that Kennedy kid gets through with her
that is.
The Celine, Shania and Alanis Hail Caesar!
This most Canadian of pre-made, plastic-tasting cocktails gels perfectly with the
prepackaged, plastic-sounding melodies of Canada’s triad of chart-topping, too-old-
to-be-considered-attractive divas. The good people at Mott’s could have the girls
strip naked, admire each other’s “brave” genitals, sing a slow love ballad and cry into
every open vat of clam juice and vodka before it’s bottled up and sent into the world,
destined to be a consumed amongst the lonely divorcees and perverts the world
over.
Shannon Elizabeth Ouzo
Everything that was good about highschool, wrapped into a bottle of liquorish
hooch that only teenagers and old, bitter men drink, splashed all over the massive,
beautiful fake boobs of the woman of our 90’s dreams. Ms. Elizabeth’s turn on
American Pie could have made a blind man see, and a bottle of the questionable
Greek stuff can turn the lights right back out again. Immediately after it became a hit
on the market, the Ouzo would refuse to take it’s top off, and expire promptly on the
shelf, destined to become a memory of a simpler age.
J-Lo Booty Baileys
It’s been something like 15 years since Jennifer Lopez’s ass was the toast of the
town, but it’s magically retained it’s caramel toned allure to this day! Imagine a
dose of that heat mixed into your morning coffee! Splash some sweet liqueur on the
bottom that confounded both Diddy and Ben Affleck, and you’ve got a product that
can move mountains and still maintain it’s imaginary street cred.
Lady Gagabsinthe
Imagine it, you’re at a wild party and the girl you’ve been talking up all night leans
in secretly and asks you if you want to try something “a little different”. She pulls
out a green glass bottle shaped like two monkeys screwing with a sticker of Lady
Gaga where the balls should be. One sugar cube in a spoon later and the next thing
you know the “Green Fairy” shows her poker face and you have no idea what’s going
on for the next three days. Every bottle of the hallucinogenic hard stuff is wrung
through the panties of the weirdest bird in show biz, and it tastes the way the “Bad
Romance” video looks. It’s not hygienic, it’s not particularly safe, but you can only
imagine the fun you’ll have when you get your hands on it.
Written by Jeremy P Beal
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